The Numbness In Our White Hearts

When it comes to racism, the first thing many of us white folk need to confront is the numbness in our own hearts.

We've been told we should be outraged, or full of grief, or at least empathetic. We might even convince ourselves that we feel these ways, but if we acknowledge what we actually feel in our hearts, it could be more nothing than something. Maybe we feel some tightness. Maybe we feel almost blank.

That was my experience in one of the first diversity workshops I attended. I was in a group, sitting across from a black woman who had just told a very poignant story of being discriminated against at work. She was visibly upset. The facilitator put me on the spot to respond with an empathic reflection, but for some reason I just felt numb.

I certainly wished I had felt something. Both for her, and so I wouldn't be humiliated in front of the group. But I knew I couldn't fake it. I said "That sounds like a horrible experience, and I'm sorry you went through it, and I wish I could say I'm here with you feeling compassion for what you went through, but honestly my heart is completely numb. I don't know why. I'm so sorry."

The room was silent. After a pregnant pause, the facilitator said "Good, Peter. You know, in all these years of being a diversity facilitator, I've never heard a white man be candid about his numbness like that."

(I was utterly shocked. I thought he was going to yell at me or something.)

He continued... "The truth is where we start. And the truth is that white supremacy harms people of color, and it also damages white people. It steals your humanity and numbs your soul."

At this point I was somehow both numb and burning in shame. I knew he was right.

He continued... "The good news is that you're here and you're being honest. Keep facing your own fears, keep listening to people of color and their stories, and your heart will thaw. It will take time, but it will happen."

I looked into the eyes of the black woman across from me, who was incredibly gracious about the shift of attention in the group to me. I knew that this wasn't how it should have gone. I knew I hadn’t given her what she needed.

Luckily, another white person in the group who was experienced in this work was able to step in and offer a genuine reflection of her pain and anguish. Thankfully, she was heard, and she continued to reveal deeper layers of her story.

Humbled, I committed to staying on this path and opening my heart, so the next time I would be able to genuinely connect and offer the compassionate presence that she deserved.

* * *

As you read this story, what thoughts and feelings arise?

Can you locate a numbness in your own heart that is yearning to be thawed?

If so, I would like to offer two actionable steps for beginning the process:

1) Listen to this 20-minute podcast that features black and brown people's voices. Allow yourself to feel whatever you authentically feel.

2) Learn more about Free Yourself First, a 3-week intensive for white people who are ready to heal, awaken, and engage in ending racism. This is an opportunity for white folks to liberate their hearts and minds so they can work with wholehearted intention and clarity for the liberation of all people.

With love,
Peter